Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
