Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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