He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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