Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
