Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
