On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
