He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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