Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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