chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
sarcasm needs its own font
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
