My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
