textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
