ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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