dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
