she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
