some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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