Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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