So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
