I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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