just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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