I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
