i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
