My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
