Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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