I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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