Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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