im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You did what with his pubic hair?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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