I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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