We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This house was built for laser tag.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
