When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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