I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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