I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
