The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
