The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
