took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
