So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.