I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
