It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
