plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
