I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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