don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
