I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
