if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
