Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
