The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
