I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
