Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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