Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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