just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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