My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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