i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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