just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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